i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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