I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
