a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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