he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
