God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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