new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
