I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
