i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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