And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
