If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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