laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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