So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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