i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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