There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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