A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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