I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
