On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
