She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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