i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
