Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
