I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
