just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
