Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
