The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
