u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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