We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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