These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
