i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
