If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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