i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Im part way to drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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