I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
