I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
