When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
