i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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