The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
