I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
