the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
