I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Randomize
