Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
