Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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