If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
