I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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