I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
