Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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