Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
