He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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