I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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