i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
