Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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