You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
